I feel and overwhelming sense of concern and worry tonight. I can’t pinpoint why I feel this way, but it’s something that occasionally happens to me.
Some people–those writers one can stumble across on the internet–say this is a common occurrence, that I shouldn’t feel this way or feel concern for feeling this way.
A bit of sweat on my brow, an uneasy feeling in my mind, and even a shiver down my spine every few moments as I type this out. There is a nervousness in the air of my soul. I want to take a sip of the lukewarm decaf coffee at my side and hope it all goes away.
Nothing changes. I could go lay on the couch or climb under the covers of my bed. Hiding in a closet would be no better. Fetching a tall glass of water or going on a calm evening drive with the windows down won’t do the trick either. That one pill I take each night before bed to calm my nerves and help me be settled day-to-day won’t do the trick either.
I’m not having a full-blown panic or anxiety attack. I feel like it could happen, but it’s not right now. Writing this helps a bit. It helps me settle my painful curiosity that drives this nervousness. It’s a factor depression that I live with. Some days are better than others, and others much worse.
The thing is, I cope and I keep going. I keep going because I know that there is hope for a brighter tomorrow and there is so much more yet to come, so many good things on the horizon. Nothing is perfect and nothing can make me feel complete, at least, not now. Family, friends, pets, job, possessions — each has a place and satisfies in a certain way. Sometimes, there just isn’t a cure-all, a fix, a choice to be made to change the feeling.
It’s been five minutes as I’ve been writing and revising. I feel much better having said these things. The coffee I made so carefully via pour-over in my kitchen stares at me from beside the keyboard. I wanted to drink it tonight and enjoy the taste and just relax. I will try, despite the cold temperature, to still achieve this goal.
For now, I cope. I hope. I dream.
There will still be the shivers of this as I go forward, but I can go forward. That makes all the difference.